The Best of Miranda: Favourite episodes plus added treats – such fun! Page 2

  We see a man holding a golf sale sign.

  Then we see Penny, Miranda’s mother, also holding a sign.

  Hers reads ‘bridal sale’.

  PENNY: (THROUGH MEGAPHONE) Someone please marry my daughter… I’m not asking for money… I’m literally giving her away.

  We follow the arrow of Penny’s sign and discover an embarrassed Miranda forced to stand next to it.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  Back to present.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) She was upset because I’d just told her how I’d blown my inheritance. I bought a joke shop. Oops. No, I love it. Although I’m worried that hiring my oldest friend to manage it was a mistake.

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S SHOP (FLASHBACK)

  We see Stevie at a flip chart.

  STEVIE: And that is how we will take this franchise global.

  She is shouting business-isms. ‘We need a bigger profit margin’, ‘come on people’ type stuff.

  We reveal she’s just talking to Miranda in the shop who is sitting on a joke chair.

  MIRANDA: It’s a bit much isn’t it (TO A STUFFED KANGAROO). I mean we’re just a little shop that sells…

  STEVIE: Shush and submit… (SOUNDING A LOUD KLAXON)

  Miranda falls off chair.

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  Back to present.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) And today I’m overexcited because apparently Gary Preston is back from his travels. He’s lovely. But I always make a cock up if I see him. Well there’s never any cock up involved, if you see what I mean… how naughty. Oh, but the last time I saw him… (CRINGES)

  Cut to:

  INT. PARTY (FLASHBACK – 3 YEARS AGO)

  GARY: Come on, we’ve got to dance to this one.

  MIRANDA: Ooh OK.

  There are a group of people dancing.

  Miranda is wearing an elasticated-waist skirt or trousers. She is sitting on a chair.

  Gary comes and asks her to dance. She stands up and starts dancing. Her skirt/trousers fall down revealing some sizeable pants.

  Miranda doesn’t realise for a bit and keeps dancing. Then realises.

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  Back to present.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA)(STILL CRINGEING) Say nothing. We’ll speak no more of and let’s crack on with the show…

  Title music and scene.

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S JOKE SHOP

  A boutique joke/party/gift shop. It’s colourful and welcoming. Big, with wooden floors. A unique boutique with wooden shelves and chests.

  It sells balloons, banners, costumes and jokes; but also ‘smarter’ things for birthday gifts.

  There is a laptop on the till area and a small kitchen area in a back room.

  Stevie is stock-taking. A few boxes of stock have arrived – including a box of chocolate willies.

  Miranda comes downstairs.

  MIRANDA: Morning Stevie.

  STEVIE: Afternoon. It’s nearly lunchtime.

  MIRANDA: Oh the trains were a nightmare. It was a hellish journey.

  STEVIE: You live upstairs.

  MIRANDA: There were leaves on the carpet… (OFF STEVIE’S LOOK) That was a good one – what’s up with you?

  STEVIE: It’s delivery day, and you were going to help. (BEAT)

  I’m feeling hot and anxious. Like a… mouse in a microwave. Can’t even do an analogy.

  Right, you can make a start with the chocolate penises.

  MIRANDA: (LAUGHING) Sorry. Every time. They’re like willies… but chocolate.

  Stevie looks fed up.

  Stevie, they’re funny, they’re like willies with chocolate. (LAUGHS) Nothing from you. Quite realistic aren’t they.

  STEVIE: Not really no.

  MIRANDA: Aren’t they?(LOOKS TO CAMERA)

  STEVIE: (BEAT) Can you just, just concentrate.

  MIRANDA: But it’s nearly lunchtime. I’m meant to be having a reunion lunch with the girls.

  STEVIE: But you hate the girls.

  MIRANDA: I know, but as Tilly says, ‘When you’re dumped in a boarding school dorm aged nine you all bond for life even if you hate each other’. Or in my case get embarrassed being out with people with public school nicknames. In my class, Milly, Tilly, Bella, Bunty, Hooty, Pussy, Puggle and Podge. No you’re right I’m not going.

  STEVIE: Good girly. Work not shirk. Or do you want our business to fold?

  MIRANDA: My business.

  STEVIE: On paper, but I manage the shop, it’s my reputation on the line.

  MIRANDA: Do the analogy I like.

  STEVIE: OK… (ACTING IT OUT) you’re the simple, hulking giant, galumphing along with your money sack, but I’m the ingenious little leprechaun… top of the morning…

  MIRANDA: (JOINING IN) Top of the morning…

  STEVIE: Just me. (BEAT) Top of the morning… (IN NORMAL ACCENT) And I spin our funds into gold. (BEAT) What do you spin?

  MIRANDA: Preferably hamsters. In a wheel. That is fun. Weeee – they whiz round gripping their tiny claws to the wheel of terror. (OFF STEVIE’S LOOK) An assistant in my own shop. It don’t go making no sense.

  STEVIE: Until we can afford a proper assistant…

  Delivery man comes in.

  MIRANDA: I’ll get it.

  She signs for a number of boxes.

  DELIVERY MAN: Thank you sir.

  He smiles, nods at Miranda and leaves.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Did he just call me sir? He just called me sir.

  Stevie is laughing.

  I mean it’s fine if they’re not really looking, notice the height, call me sir, look up, ‘oh sorry Madam’. That happens. But he looked straight at me and still thought Sir was the right option. (BEAT) Right, that’s it. As a girl, I’m going to my girly lunch.

  STEVIE: Tell you what…

  Unzips Miranda’s cardigan

  Why don’t you get these out – honk honk (HER BREASTS)? Might help…

  Penny sweeps in.

  PENNY: Miranda…?

  MIRANDA: Oh morning, Mum. How are you?

  PENNY: Are you engaged yet?

  MIRANDA: Not since you asked last night, no. And I said, good morning Mum, how are you?

  PENNY: Don’t get emotional. We’re not Spanish. (BEAT) So, news just in, call me Fiona Bruce…

  MIRANDA/STEVIE: Fiona Bruce. (THEY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER)

  PENNY: Benjy has at last split up from that ghastly fish woman.

  MIRANDA: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, I’m not marrying my cousin.

  PENNY: It didn’t stop Uncle John and Aunt Liz. They’re very happy.

  MIRANDA: Yes but their son isn’t.

  PENNY: Far too fussy, this is Surrey, no one minds – such fun!

  Penny exits.

  STEVIE: (ANNOYED) This isn’t our delivery. (TAKES OUT BABY CLOTHES AND TOYS) Right, this very much needs sorting out.

  MIRANDA: Right. (BEAT) I’m off. (OFF STEVIE’S LOOK) My lunch is very important. It’s what us elegant girls about town do.

  STEVIE: Don’t you mean ‘Elephant’ girls? (LAUGHS) Oh, I’ve amused myself.

  MIRANDA: Well at least I’m not too small that I can’t get on all the rides at Thorpe Park.

  STEVIE: (BEAT) Well at least I don’t have to go to specialist clothes shops… Where are those jeans from?

  MIRANDA: (QUIETLY) Big‘N’Long.

  STEVIE: Sorry?

  MIRANDA: Big‘N’Long. Well, doesn’t mean I can’t be feminine.

  Miranda picks up her coat and tries to flounce femininely out, but falls and knocks a mass of boxes over.

  Look at that, yeah, working it.

  Quickly gets up and poses.

  It’s all about the recovery.

  Turns, immediately falls over something else.

  Jumps up again – has a chocolate willy on a stick this time.

  Cut to:

  EXT. STREET BY RES
TAURANT

  Miranda outside the restaurant.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) How could a man think a woman is a man? I mean I do have a penis – but that’s chocolate. (STARTS TO EAT IT) Ooh actually, that would look wrong in public.

  She looks around deciding where to put it. A woman walks past with an open bag over her shoulder. Miranda puts it in there and runs off.

  Cut to:

  INT. RESTAURANT

  Miranda is hanging up her coat. Gary comes out of the kitchen.

  MIRANDA: No way – Gary Preston. Ooh, OK calm, compose myself. Smile.

  Miranda starts smiling and getting into a ‘cool’ position.

  She grins so much that she looks strained when Gary turns round to see her.

  GARY: Miranda? Hi, how are you? Are you OK? You look like you’re in pain.

  MIRANDA: No, no I’m fine, it’s just trapped wind… Ah, that’s better. (BEAT) So Gary… What are you doing here?

  GARY: I work here – I’m the new chef. Started last week.

  MIRANDA: Oh wow, my shop’s next door.

  GARY: No way! It’s great to see you. It’s been ages.

  Gary goes in to kiss her cheek but Miranda arranges it so they end up kissing on the lips.

  Have you been eating chocolate?

  MIRANDA: Well to be precise, it’s actually coc… cockolate. So, how was Malaysia?

  GARY: Yeah great, great. It’s good to get back though.

  MIRANDA: Really?

  GARY: Well you know, you can have too much fun. Thought I’d come back and settle down a bit. Be sensible… Joined the gym today…

  MIRANDA: Oh, the one round the corner…

  GARY: Yeah, do you go?

  MIRANDA: Loads. (TO CAMERA) Never. (TO GARY) Yeah no I’m really into keeping fit.

  GARY: Great, what’s your sport?

  MIRANDA: Gymnastics. That’s it. I’ll work with that. I am a gymnast, Gary.

  GARY: Wow.

  MIRANDA: Wow indeed. Yeah, I mainly do ribbons (DEMONSTRATES), you might have seen me at the last Olympics. Although having said that I wasn’t on telly much because you will have noticed that a lot of gymnasts are quite manly, no curves or breasts, well that’s one category. Not mine. I’m in the bustier section. Less televised. Only in widescreen. Gymnasts – busty, is the category.

  Awkward pause. Miranda clocks camera.

  GARY: Right, right, good… Well, I better get back to work… new job and everything. But, er, let’s catch up soon… yes. (GOES)

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Well that all went very well. Luckily I enjoy living alone.

  Mix to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT (FLASHBACK). NIGHT

  We see Miranda in a boiler suit covered in velcro.

  She throws a mass of tennis balls against the wall and tries to get as many as possible on to her body.

  Mix to:

  INT. RESTAURANT (BACK TO PRESENT)

  Miranda starts heading into main bit of restaurant and sees Clive sitting with a coffee, reading a paper.

  MIRANDA: Ooh Clive.

  CLIVE: Can’t talk now, I’m working. (TURNS NEWSPAPER)

  He sees a customer trying to get his attention.

  We hear the girls laughing.

  MIRANDA: Oh, wish me luck, girl’s lunch…

  We arrive at the table where we see Tilly and Fanny. Tilly is on her phone.

  TILLY: Have to go, here she is, hola! Utmost cooliosity!

  MIRANDA: Tilly!

  TILLY: It’s been forever.

  Fanny and Tilly scream.

  Miranda gets a fright.

  Kissingtons. (She air kisses) and… (pointing to Fanny)

  MIRANDA: Fanny…

  FANNY: Queen Kong!

  MIRANDA: I prefer Miranda.

  TILLY: Oh no, it has to be Queen Kong – you look exactly the same, you’re Empress of Kong. (BEAT) Queen Kongalzeeza Rice.

  Fanny and Tilly laugh and do a scream.

  (She gets a text on her BlackBerry. She picks it up and starts texting.) Oh hang on, bear with, bear with, bear with… (finishes the text) back… when they first said that work was moving here I actually considered suicide. Major Suburb-areene. But this (pointing at the three of them), this, is going to be stupendulent.

  Miranda clocks camera.

  MIRANDA: So, what’s new?

  TILLY: Well…

  She excitedly shows her engagement ring.

  Fanny does the same.

  Miranda lifts up her left hand. There is no ring.

  The girls look shocked.

  FANNY: Hideola.

  TILLY: Poor Kongers.

  MIRANDA: No. I’m fine, really pleased for you. Marriage and the baby thing is not for me. Only what my mother wants.

  FANNY: Seriously now, is your mum coping OK?

  MIRANDA: Oh, she’s fine.

  Mix to:

  INT. PENNY’S DINING ROOM OR SITTING ROOM (FLASHBACK)

  Penny is howling.

  She sees a photo of Miranda.

  She puts it away and replaces it with a new photo.

  It’s a picture of a black sheep.

  Mix back to:

  INT. RESTAURANT (BACK TO PRESENT)

  FANNY: So Queen Kong, we’re arranging a shopping bonanza to…

  MIRANDA: Um? Oh, girls’ shopping trip – yay!

  TILLY: Oh will you come with? Marvellisimus.

  They start talking excitedly – a noise of girly incoherence with the odd word coming through like ‘taxi-Cola’, ‘Rigby Peller’, ‘super-tastic’, ‘max it up’, ‘chiffon’.

  Miranda clocks camera and does an impression of them.

  Suddenly the cacophony stops and Miranda quickly stops her impression with a fake yawn.

  TILLY: So I suggest we just meet there tomorrow afternoon, at, shall we say four? (BEAT) Brillo pads.

  MIRANDA: Sorry, where are we going, Tilly? I just didn’t quite catch it.

  FANNY: Wedding dress shopping.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Kill me.

  GARY: Right ladies, what can I get for you – Madam?

  MIRANDA: Madam, brilliant. Thanks Gary.

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S SHOP

  Boxes of stock everywhere. It’s a mess.

  Stevie is frazzled, on hold on the phone, trying to tidy etc.

  Miranda enters.

  MIRANDA: Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie etc… I won’t stop, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie…

  Stevie turns to look at her.

  STEVIE: A little bit busy?!

  MIRANDA: I just saw Gary. He’s working next door.

  STEVIE: No way, and?

  MIRANDA: I told him I was an Olympic gymnast.

  STEVIE: Why?

  MIRANDA: You know when you get nervous socially you end up lying to impress.

  STEVIE: No.

  MIRANDA: Exactly, we all do it. So what is going on in here?

  Stevie looks anxious.

  STEVIE: They still haven’t taken the baby stuff back, I’ve been on hold for over an hour, I mean listen to the hold music. (SHE PLAYS IT) It’s continuous, I’m going insane… and we’ve had a double delivery of chocolate peni…

  Miranda laughs.

  Stevie does the klaxon.

  MIRANDA: You’ve never known how to have fun.

  STEVIE: I have fun. I host barbecues. (BEAT) They are renowned throughout the shire.

  MIRANDA: The shire?

  STEVIE: (BEAT) Yes the shire. Some of us focus on work. Ever won one of these?

  We see an employee of the month board – every month a different photo of Stevie.

  STEVIE: Yeah well some of us like to focus on work! Now get round here and help me tidy tidy please!

  Stevie starts tidying the till area. Miranda helps. They come across an item that springs out of a box.

  They can’t get the box closed before it springs out.

  STEVIE: You can’t get these in…

  MIRANDA: Before you put the lid on…

  It springs out o
f the box. They get a fright.

  STEVIE: It’s quite a nice shock isn’t it?

  Another one goes off. They scream.

  Gary comes in.

  GARY: Hello.

  Miranda and Stevie scream.

  GARY: Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.

  Stevie sits on the stool/chair behind the till.

  MIRANDA: No it’s fine. Gary, you remember Stevie. Stevie – Gary.

  STEVIE: Hello, sorry, we thought you’d come out of Miranda’s box.

  Miranda pushes her off her stool. She disappears behind till.

  GARY: Wow, you seem busy. Things are obviously going well.

  MIRANDA: Yep yep yep. Put simply, I’m deeply successful. Yeah, so look around, I’m a cock magnet – shoot me.

  GARY: Ummm, look I just popped in to ask, actually, you’re not with anybody or married or anything at the moment are you?

  MIRANDA: Yep, yep of course, yeah.

  GARY: Oh. Really? Kids?

  MIRANDA: Yep. We’ve got two. Um there’s Orlando and Bloom. You?

  GARY: No, no, still single.

  MIRANDA: Me too.

  GARY: You just said you were married?

  MIRANDA: Divorced now.

  GARY: And the kids?

  MIRANDA: Dead.

  GARY: Really, what happened?

  MIRANDA: They froze. They froze to death, Gary. It’s a funny story actually. Well not funny, ha, ha, but funny in that it’s almost unbelievable. We were on holiday in the Himalayas, base camp of Everest and it was really cold and they were just running around in shorts and T-shirt and I kept saying put a coat on, you’ll catch your death. And they did…

  GARY: (BEAT) None of that is true is it?

  MIRANDA: No. You know when you get nervous socially and you end up lying to impress?

  GARY: No.

  MIRANDA: Exactly we all do it.

  Gary laughs.

  GARY: Right well look, look, well I wanted to ask, do you want to…?

  MIRANDA: Yes.

  GARY: I haven’t said anything…

  MIRANDA: I’ll do whatever…

  GARY: Do you fancy grabbing a bite later? I’m not working and be good to catch up. We could just go to the restaurant, you know, it’s free food, don’t worry it’s not a date, just a thing, if you like.

  MIRANDA: I do like. I do like very much. (TO CAMERA) Why am I doing an Indian accent?