The Best of Miranda: Favourite episodes plus added treats – such fun! Page 3

  GARY: Cool. right well I’ll pop in when I’ve finished my shift.

  MIRANDA: Ciao.

  STEVIE: Froze to death?! Orlando and Bloom?!

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) I’ve got a date. I’ve got a date! I’ve got a date! Over excited. That’s boarding school education for you. Starved of male company for years, still now when a bloke says ‘hi’ you think ‘nice spring wedding’. (SHE GRABS A BISCUIT) Calm. I’m not even looking for a relationship but Gary is particularly delicious. As is this (THE BISCUIT). Wish it was legal to marry food.

  Cut to:

  PENNY’S SITTING ROOM

  Miranda is hugging a giant/life size pork pie with bow tie.

  We see Penny in wedding outfit, screaming with excitement like the girls do.

  Cut to:

  Ooh what to do, OK. What would the girls do? Shopping, of course, something to wear, yes… I will Trinny and Susannah myself. I couldn’t do it with them because I’d have to punch them in the face. Hate those kind of programmes. Welcome to I’m OK, you’re O-bese. I know what I’d do if I had one of those shows…

  Cut to:

  EXT. STREET. DAYLIGHT

  Miranda with a camera and operator with boom. She goes up to a woman wearing a horrid top and tracksuit bums.

  MIRANDA: Ah, excuse me – hello.

  WOMAN 2: (LOW MONOSYLABBIC VOICE) Hello.

  MIRANDA: Right let’s look at you. Well I wouldn’t buy that top, but you look comfortable. Are you?

  WOMAN 2: Yeah.

  MIRANDA: Do you like it?

  WOMAN 2: Yeah.

  MIRANDA: Do you care others may not like it?

  WOMAN 2: No.

  MIRANDA: Brilliant, wear that then. Bye.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SHOP

  Stevie is on the phone by the till. More boxes have arrived. She is helping a male customer. Miranda comes downstairs. She grabs her jacket and starts to head out.

  STEVIE: Errr, where are you going?

  MIRANDA: To get something to wear. How often do I have a date? Never, it’s my first one!

  Customer looks shocked.

  MIRANDA: First one of the many others I’ve also had.

  STEVIE: I thought he said it wasn’t a date.

  MIRANDA: Well he said it was a ‘thing’. That’s code for date isn’t it. I mean (TO CUSTOMER) if you wanted to ask me out, but were intimidated by the natural beauty, (BEAT) you’d say ‘thing’ not ‘date’ wouldn’t you?

  The customer is about to speak.

  Miranda puts her hand over his mouth, and nods his face up and down speaking for him:

  ‘Yes I would.’

  STEVIE: Just don’t scare him off. And you can help me before you go shopping. We’ve had another delivery of baby stock and the hen night stock’s still not here. And I’m not enjoying telling the delivery company we’re still missing fluffy handcuffs and love eggs. It’s degrading! So no shoppy-shoppy til you tidy-tidy.

  MIRANDA: I’m fairly sure that’s racist.

  The customer leaves. Miranda creeps out, hiding behind him.

  STEVIE: Uhh, I can see you…

  MIRANDA: (TO CUSTOMER) That was your fault. Get out. (PUSHES HIM OUT)

  STEVIE: Don’t you want to achieve? I always think big, and then I think Small. Heather Small. (BEAT) I ask myself (SINGING) ‘what have you done today to make you feel proud’(BEAT). What are you going to say?

  MIRANDA: Fine, I’d say Heather, Heather Small, you were excellent on Strictly Come Dancing (BOTH: Yeah she was wasn’t she), and today I helped my lovely little friend by putting the boxes away.

  Miranda goes over to the boxes.

  STEVIE: Thank you. And not in the (POINTING) kitchen slash work station slash break area slash my personal space.

  MIRANDA: (TO STEVIE) Slash. (BEAT) Good word, sorry.

  Stevie picks up the phone and turns around to stock check some items behind the till, singing and moving mockingly to the music in her ear.

  MIRANDA: Stevie, I wouldn’t…

  STEVIE: Good, because I wouldn’t put them in your flat, slash…

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Slash

  STEVIE: …personal space.

  MIRANDA: No, exactly so I wouldn’t do that to you…

  Stevie still singing, back to Miranda.

  Miranda throws the boxes into the kitchen.

  Penny enters.

  PENNY: Forgot to say earlier. I’m going to the baby shop to get a present for cousin Georgina’s christening tomorrow. Very anti-social to have it on a, what I call, weekday.

  MIRANDA: It is a weekday. Not just what you call a weekday. It is a weekday. I mean, that is such an annoying, what I call, phrase.

  PENNY: (BEAT) Shall I get you something to give them?

  MIRANDA: I didn’t know there was a christening.

  PENNY: I don’t know what I’m going to get them. Such an ugly baby. Your father suggested a balaclava! Such fun! Right, well I must dash, meeting someone for a spot of, what I call, tea.

  MIRANDA: It is tea.

  Stevie still on the phone, by till, with her back to main bit of shop.

  Miranda realises she can leave without Stevie noticing.

  MIRANDA: Stevie, I’ve tidy-tidied!

  Runs out.

  EXT. BUSY HIGH STREET

  Miranda walking along.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Right, clothes shops. I’ve been to Big ‘N’ Long – nothing. Just because people are taller or bigger than average, why do we have to shop in patronisingly named places. What’s next, Lanky ‘N’ Sweaty, Swallowers and Amazonians, Huge ‘N’ Gross…

  She sees and approaches a shop called ‘Trans-formers’. The sign in the window reads ‘bespoke ladies tailoring. Shoe sizes up to 14. Dress sizes up to 48 chest.’

  MIRANDA: Big sizes for once, perfect.

  Miranda is not aware that the shop is for men to women transformations.

  A man with stubble, but in a dress, with a handbag walks out. Miranda is still looking in the window so doesn’t notice him.

  She goes into the shop thinking it’s for women. The shop has dark windows and is obviously low key.

  INT. TRANS-FORMER SHOP

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Hi there. How can we help?

  MIRANDA: Oh, hi, yes. I’m looking for something flattering for me and really feminine. Because, this might sound ridiculous, but I often get called sir – I know, embarrassing – and I’m going out tonight and don’t want it to happen then.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: I hear you. (WINKS) Let’s have a look at you. Well you are naturally very feminine. You’re lucky. Shapely. Lady-like curves and as for those. (HER BREASTS) Astonishing. I’ve seen quite a few in my time but these are something else.

  MIRANDA: Oh, thanks.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Good hair. Where did you get it?

  MIRANDA: My father’s side.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Oh, I haven’t heard of them.

  Miranda looks a bit confused.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Right. Well, it’s not going to take much… Heads will turn, and not in a pointing-and-staring way.

  MIRANDA: I always knew I could pull it off but didn’t know what clothes would suit me best.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Well there is no point in wearing jeans and a T-shirt is there, you might as well be a man.

  Now, let’s sort you out for tonight, young lady.

  He emphasises ‘lady’ laughingly

  Miranda looks excited to camera.

  MIRANDA: (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Ooh, lady!

  He laughs and touches her arm and she does it back.

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S SHOP

  Stevie is still on hold at the till. The shop is still a mess. A customer, Paul (gay man), is browsing.

  Miranda peers inside the door.

  MIRANDA: Stevie, I’ve got an outfit. Are you ready?

  Miranda enters.

  The outfit and make-up are so over the top – a Danny la Rue number. She looks like
a transvestite.

  STEVIE: (LOOKING DOWN) Just give me a second!

  MIRANDA: So, how do I look! (SEEING PAUL) Sorry. Didn’t realise anyone was here.

  PAUL: No problem. Wow. Can I just say. You look gorgeous.

  MIRANDA: Ahhh, thank you.

  PAUL: It’s amazing. So feminine.

  MIRANDA: Stop it!

  PAUL: No, seriously. I mean you could pass.

  MIRANDA: Really, I could pass could I?! Brilliant. (TO CAMERA) I passed.

  Stevie looks up.

  STEVIE: Miranda, why are you dressed as a transvestite?

  PAUL: (BEAT) I am so sorry… I thought…

  MIRANDA: Just get out please. (HE GOES)

  STEVIE: (BEAT) Don’t worry. (TRYING NOT TO LAUGH) Didn’t he just say you looked gorgeous and feminine?

  MIRANDA: As a man, Stevie. For a man he thought I was gorgeous and feminine. For a man. As a man. A man. As a man. Are you laughing?

  STEVIE: (LAUGHS) No. (TRYING TO SUPRESS) There is nothing funny here.

  MIRANDA: There isn’t, because I wear normal everyday clothes and I get called sir. I actually make an effort and…

  As she says the following Gary comes in.

  MIRANDA: I am a transvestite.

  GARY: Hi.

  MIRANDA: (TURNS TO FACE GARY) Hi.

  GARY: Oh – did we say it was fancy dress tonight…?

  STEVIE: No, this isn’t fancy…

  MIRANDA: Yes it is. Was just trying on our new range of…(LOOKS TO STEVIE FOR HELP)

  STEVIE: Transvestite costumes…

  MIRANDA: (TAKES STEVIE ASIDE AND WHISPERS)How does that help?

  STEVIE: I don’t know, I’m panicking.

  MIRANDA: You’re panicking. (EMPHATICALLY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING POINTS OUT HER DRESS)

  STEVIE: (BEAT) It’ll all be fine. Just be yourself.

  MIRANDA: What an appalling piece of advice. (GOES BACK TO GARY)

  GARY: (BEAT) Shall I just come back…?

  MIRANDA: No, two seconds… just get changed.

  STEVIE: Oh Miranda, I can’t believe you filled my personal space!

  MIRANDA: This is not the time. (TO GARY) That is not what it sounds.*

  MIRANDA: I’ll be two seconds, I’ll just…

  She tires to flounce femininely upstairs, but gets caught up and falls over as she does.

  Cut to:

  INT. RESTAURANT

  Gary and Miranda at the end of their meal.

  MIRANDA: …and how did you end up being a chef…

  GARY: I just picked it up when I was travelling really, worked in lots of restaurants. Yeah, I’ve really got into it. I feel like I’ve finally found what I want to do…

  MIRANDA: That’s great. So your parents must be pleased you’re back… how’s your mum?

  GARY: Still frantically trying to find me a wife.

  MIRANDA: My mother’s the same.

  GARY: What, trying to find you a wife…

  MIRANDA: (LAUGHING) Finding me a wife… but just to be clear, she wants to find me a husband… because I am a woman.

  Gary thinks she’s joking, Miranda isn’t so he stops laughing.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SHOP. NIGHT.

  They walk across the shop floor.

  GARY: Exactly. And it’s not just marriage, it’s the desperation to have kids…

  MIRANDA: I know. I just don’t have that desperate urge to breed… I’m up here (POINTING UPSTAIRS)… if we did have a desperate urge to breed…we could… (TO CAMERA) Why? He’s gone up!

  They go upstairs.

  INT. OUTSIDE MIRANDA’S FLAT

  Miranda gets her keys out.

  GARY: …the number of women who turn thirty and they’re suddenly obsessed with babies.

  MIRANDA: I know, I mean it’s so boring. I’d say I have a fairly normal, healthy interest in children…

  Opens her door and switches on the light.

  The room is full of baby stuff.

  There are prams, cots, dummies, clothes, mobiles etc.

  Everywhere.

  They stare at it. Long pause.

  GARY: Well, it’s getting late.

  MIRANDA: Bye… (HE GOES)

  Cut to:

  INT. MIRANDA’S SHOP

  Stevie is working. The shop is all tidy now. The radio is on.

  Miranda comes down the stairs and blasts the klaxon at Stevie.

  MIRANDA: You ruined my chances last night. Turns out a flat full of baby stock isn’t an aphrodisiac.

  STEVIE: Gary was in your flat? What, was he lost? (BEAT)

  Miranda smiles sarcastically at Stevie, who smiles back.

  Cut to Miranda then back to Stevie.

  Sorry I didn’t think he’d come back. And you shouldn’t have put it all in (POINTING TO KITCHEN) my personal space.

  MIRANDA: Sorry. Well everything seems tidy-tidy in here now.

  STEVIE: They finally picked up the extra penises. And I’ve had a call from the baby shop. All that stuff upstairs is theirs and they’ve got our hen night stock.

  She hears a good boppy song on the radio.

  STEVIE: Oh, this is a good tune.

  Starts dancing with a dance face.

  MIRANDA: You’re doing your dance face.

  STEVIE: Everyone has a dance face.

  MIRANDA: I deliberately don’t because they’re so embarrassing.

  Dances with a dance face.

  PENNY: (PANICKED) Miranda, you are in a street with some very dodgy businesses – that baby shop, I’ve just come from the christening. Marjorie gave a silver incrusted rattle, Victoria an engraved mug, I presented what I thought was a lovely toy rabbit – turns out it was a battery operated (MOUTHS) sex toy. Worst thing was, the baby loved it! Couldn’t prize it off him! It was absolutely, what I call, mortifying. (BEAT)

  INT. RESTAURANT

  Miranda is leaning at the bar trying to act cool.

  CLIVE: What are you doing?

  MIRANDA: Being nonchalant for Gary.

  CLIVE: Good luck.

  GARY: Miranda?

  MIRANDA: Oh hello Gary, fancy seeing you here.

  GARY: I work here.

  MIRANDA: Isn’t that weird, of all the restaurants I could have popped in to…

  GARY: But I work here and you know that…

  MIRANDA: (LOUDLY OVER HIM) It’s all just very weird.

  GARY: I was coming to see you later. I was an idiot last night, running away before you could explain…

  MIRANDA: …it was a stock mix-up you see, and…

  GARY: You don’t need to say. But you do need to let me take you out for a drink later.

  MIRANDA: OK.

  GARY: Great, great. Was there anything else, you don’t want to order some food?

  MIRANDA: Do you do wedding cakes? Oh no, no, um that was just a joke. That’s the worst kind of joke I could have made. Don’t worry, you know I’m not into all that. Laters…

  She bumps and trips over the coatstand.

  Cut to:

  INT. WEDDING DRESS SHOP

  Tilly and Fanny are in their wedding dresses. Miranda enters.

  MIRANDA: Sorry I’m late. Wow, you all look great.

  They all laugh excitedly. Fanny is holding a glass of champagne.

  TILLY: We’re amongst friends, so I can say this…

  Fanny still laughing.

  Ssh Fanny… I can be honest – I don’t think I’ve ever felt more beautiful. (BEAT) Kong creature, you’ve got to try one, it’s the most amazing experience, it’s better than anything horse!

  MIRANDA: Be a bit weird with no engagement ring.

  Shop assistant comes in.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Hello sir.

  MIRANDA: Right I will. I would like to try one on please.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Really?(LOOKS AT MIRANDA PROPERLY) Oh sorry… I think I might have something… size?

  MIRANDA: Ten.

  Everyone stares.

  Ten…ty. I mean twenty.

  SHOP ASSISTANT: Yes, I think we’ve got one in a si
ze… tenty… (SHE GOES)

  Time passes. The girls and shop assistant are now waiting outside a dressing room. It opens and Miranda comes out in the biggest meringue dress ever.

  MIRANDA: I’m amongst friends so I can be honest; I don’t think I’ve ever felt more beautiful.

  TILLY: Really?

  MIRANDA: No, I look like I’ve had a chiffon-based anaphylactic shock. Be a nightmare if my mother walked past now. She’d faint with joy.

  Gary appears at the window.

  No!

  Gary walks quickly on. Miranda is about to leave the shop to go after him when she sees Penny walk past, who faints with joy.

  (TO CAMERA) This is almost getting ridiculous.

  Turns to run out of the shop

  Gary, wait!

  Cut to:

  EXT. STREET

  Gary sees Miranda coming out of the shop. He starts running. Miranda chases.

  MIRANDA: Come back. I am not desperate. What are you so scared of? Gary, come back.

  End music comes in.

  ‘You have been watching’ comes on screen…

  We see Miranda running along, and ‘Miranda Hart’ comes up on screen. She waves to camera.

  We see Gary running, looking scared at what’s behind him, and ‘Tom Ellis’ comes up on screen. He acknowledges camera.

  We see Penny on the pavement, coming round and ‘Patricia Hodge’ comes up on screen. She looks to camera.

  We see the girls peering out of the shop, with their names on the screen. They wave to camera.

  We cut to the shop and Stevie is on hold (as if earlier action). ‘Sarah Hadland’ comes up on screen. She looks at camera.

  We see Miranda chasing Gary.

  MIRANDA: Gaaaarrrryyyy…

  * Think rhythm in performance.

  Series One, Episode One:

  Behind the Scenes Tit-Bits.

  Tom Ellis was the first person to corpse (get the giggles) when filming in front of the live audience. It was during my speech in the restaurant about being a gymnast and I suddenly did some movement with the imaginary ribbons that I had never done in rehearsals and he went. I was secretly thrilled I had got him!