The Best of Miranda: Favourite episodes plus added treats – such fun! Page 4

Patricia Hodge was second and couldn’t get out the line about the toy rabbit towards the end of the episode. When she first came in to say that line she split it up so the audience could see what was coming. They started laughing and then Patricia lost it.

  Nick Frost came up with the name Queen Kong for me when we were doing a sitcom called Hyperdrive together. Thanks Nick.

  We had to re-shoot the chocolate willy scene when I am walking down the street because the show ended up being scheduled at 8.30 p.m. when they thought it would be 9 p.m. Lovely Janice Hadlow, the then controller of BBC 2 thought the willy we first shot was a little too ‘anatomically correct’. That was an awkward meeting.

  Series Two, Episode One

  The New Me

  · · ·

  Aaah, the tricky second album… And the first episode of the tricky second album certainly brought with it the aforementioned angst. I think the fabulous writers who helped me storyline, Messers James Cary and Richard Hurst could testify to a little bit of ‘going mad’ for this series and in particular this episode. But it was to be the test as to whether those audience members who stuck with Series One were going to stick with Series Two. You didn’t want to get X number of viewers on week one and then lose half of them on week two. A writer’s nightmare.

  I had left Series One on a bit of a cliffhanger in terms of Miranda trying to tell Gary she loved him, not having the guts and Gary leaving to go to Hong Kong. (Deliberately wrote that to persuade the BBC we needed another series!) And it’s always important to leave a series with a question mark so you don’t have the excuse of not writing again. So there was an obvious beginning to Series Two of Miranda in a right old state having lost out on the potential love of her life. And someone having let themselves go felt like a good place to go comedically particularly with this character and the fun that her mother and Tilly would have with her as a total mess. Plus you could make life as bad as possible for your central character before things started looking up. It was fairly easy to then suggest Penny coming to live with her – a fussy mother trying to cheer you up and order your life around is a pretty grim thought for any child. So there was an obvious beginning and a natural story presented itself in terms of Miranda then deciding she would pull herself together and become ‘the new her’. She would do all she could to do this, achieve it, then balls it up and finally realise that people loved her just as she really is. It’s a story that is essentially the essence of the show altogether. A woman struggling against societal pressures to fit in and instead to just be herself and accept herself.

  So the question was what to hook this story on comedically. I knew I wanted to trick audiences into thinking that Gary had left for good by getting a new chef in. That way Gary’s return would be even more exciting for the audience. But could Miranda really get another good-looking guy? Is that really believable? And cue lots of debate between writers and producers. Rude – I look like Miranda! I think actually, I was the one questioning more than anyone because, well, I look like Miranda. So we had to find a good reason he would be intrigued by this clown of a woman. I also wanted to find a reason to fit the comedy of a bed shop and being mistaken for working in a shop into an episode. So we took being mistaken for working in a shop (which has happened to me, I don’t know about you) to the extreme and Miranda ended up hanging out with all the workers having done a four-hour shift. The effect of that scene was that she learnt from the staff she should be stronger on her own and renounce men. The effect of that then (every scene must have its purpose, cause and effect) was that the new chef became intrigued by her.

  I also had to find a way to get ‘Sushi Restaurant’ in this episode. It was on a Post-it note on the office wall and I knew the Miranda character should be funny in a sushi restaurant. It felt ripe for comedy plucking. And possibly good to open the new series with. So one of the things on her list of being the ‘new her’ was going out to lunch with the girls. And they would do sushi. A lunch scene was of course always going to be funnier if it went wrong and I think we came up with the worst thing that could possibly happen at a sushi conveyor belt. I also knew at the beginning of this series that I had to go for it on the physical side of my performing. Audiences had really seemed to respond to the clowning in the first series, and although comedically I was ready to move on to more relational and emotional stories for the characters, I kind of felt I owed it to the style of the show to do as much as possible physically first. Then I could step away from it a bit.

  Next we considered what to do with Penny in this episode. She was going to come to stay with Miranda but she had to be there to serve a purpose so we needed to find ways to either make it worse for Miranda or help her. I did both. Which ended up with her pretending to be a Polish cleaner and cause a mix-up with a goat; and then scrabbling around on the floor to help her daughter at the end of a date. The things I make poor Patricia Hodge do!

  All that to give you a small insight into the jigsaw puzzle that is writing a sitcom story. Finding ways to hang the comedy set pieces, making sense of it all, giving purpose to every scene and making sure the characters move forward somehow with each moment. There are a lot of things to intertwine. Excuse me whilst I have a little lie down at the thought. And you can have a read of the script should you wish.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  Miranda on her sofa, with messy hair and wearing an old fleece.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Well hello to you my old chums. What a veritable thrill to see you all again. Particularly you – cheeky. Now let me get you up to speed. Previously in my life… the gorgeous Gary upped his sticks to Hong Kong. Which I’ve been fine about…

  Pulling back to reveal the flat in total disarray, empty wine bottles, pizza boxes, a pringle packet tower, albums of love songs etc.

  I mean I don’t think it’s weird making fruit friends.

  We reveal a bunch of fruit, dressed up/painted, on the sofa next to her.

  I mean things only went wrong when I was with Gary anyway.

  EXT. STREET (FLASHBACK)

  Gary, Stevie, Clive and Miranda pile out of a cab.

  Stevie and Clive head in with going out ‘whoops’.

  MIRANDA: Oooh, looks great.

  Her wrap-around dress gets stuck in the door and comes off in one swift movement revealing bra and pants.

  She runs after the cab. The others are laughing.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM (BACK TO PRESENT)

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Say nothing. Sshh please. Yeah. No. I’m fine. Tired, but that’s because I’ve been sleeping on a lilo because my bed broke. Too much action.

  INT. MIRANDA’S BEDROOM (FLASHBACK)

  Miranda is leaping on her bed to S Club 7’s ‘Reach For the Stars’ and whilst she is bouncing on the bed, Stevie is throwing her sweets to catch. She jumps up and as she lands the bed breaks.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  MIRANDA: And if I had been down, I definitely turned a corner last night…

  INT. CLUB/PUB

  Miranda, drunk, doing karaoke in her pyjamas. Singing Daniel Beddingfield’s ‘If You’re Not The One’.

  MIRANDA: (SINGING) Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

  It’s the really high bit in the song.

  SHOUTS ANGRILY: It’s too high, Daniel. And unnaturally high for a man.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM. BACK TO PRESENT.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Right, let’s jolly on with the show. Which is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Say hello. THEY DO. See.

  OPENING TITLES

  INT. MIRANDA’S SHOP.

  Miranda comes downstairs, still wearing tracksuit bottoms, the old fleece with stains on it and her hair is a mess.

  The shop has a new upmarket section labelled ‘Stevie’s Corner’. It sells jewellery and tops/nighties, trinkets and nick-nacks – Oliver Bonas-esque. There’s a long mirror.

  There are some posh girls looking at the products.

  MIRANDA: (DEPRESSED) Hello Stev
ie.

  STEVIE: (DISGUSTED BY HOW SHE LOOKS) Oh dear.

  Sprays air freshner

  Seeing the posh girls.

  MIRANDA: Oh, your new stock keeps bringing in these posh girls…

  STEVIE: Sorry are you disparaging Stevie’s boutique corner?

  MIRANDA: No, maybe. I don’t know what disparaging means.

  STEVIE: Mocking.

  MIRANDA: Oh, then yes.

  WITH PRONOUNCED POSH FACE/VOICE: Yup, I’m going to see Hugo, Wills, Milly, Billy and Bella so I need a new trinkety necklace.

  She turns around and is face to face with a posh girl.

  Hello.

  POSH GIRL: Are you making fun of me?

  MIRANDA: No, (KEEPS TALKING POSH) no, what do you mean? I mean this is how I speak. So umm… do you need any help at all? (TO CAMERA) It’s quite tricky… (TO GIRLS) Anything you’d like to try on?

  POSH GIRL: No, we’re fine thanks.

  STEVIE: Urgh. Have you looked in a mirror recently? Come on, you’ve got to get your act together, Miranda. Stop wallowing.

  MIRANDA: I have stopped wallowing. I’ve told you I’ve moved on.

  STEVIE: You’ve stopped thinking about Gary?

  MIRANDA: Yes. (TO CAMERA) No.

  STEVIE: You’ve moved on?

  MIRANDA: Yes. (TO CAMERA) No.

  STEVIE: You don’t think about him?

  MIRANDA: No. (TO CAMERA) Yes.

  STEVIE: Good. So you won’t want to see Gary’s postcard that arrived this morning.

  Holds it up. Stevie runs round with it.

  STEVIE: Ahh! A lovely postcard, written in Gary’s lovely fair chef-like hand. The lovely chefy hands of lovely chef Gary.

  Miranda chases Stevie. She trips her up so she falls onto beanbag.

  MIRANDA: Do you concede?

  STEVIE: Yes I concede.

  MIRANDA: Thank you. (READING)‘Hey, really enjoying life out here so far. Plans all a bit up in the air. Thinking of you all. Love G.’ (BEAT) That’s it. After three months he sends me that. Right well, forget him. Seriously.

  STEVIE: Good girly.

  MIRANDA: Yeah no I will move on. I will be a new me, get fit, lose weight… A new me shall reigneth. Yeah, like a phoenix emerging from the ashes of my old life and flapping off. Behold I am woman. And phoenix. Both. But not in a mutanty way. And yes, I have indeed lost my train of thought.

  Tilly struts in.

  MIRANDA: Oh no, it’s Tilly…

  TILLY: Bonjourno peeps. Urgh, Stevie it looks like there’s a tramp in the shop. (LAUGHS)

  MIRANDA: Where? Where? Uh!

  Stevie brings a full length mirror to Miranda, who looks at it and jumps.

  The tramp is me.

  TILLY: You have majorly let yourself go – slackarooni cheese. So Queen Kong I bring good tidings of great joy. Stinky Von Tusse is in town and she wants to luncheon later at the new sushi place. Will you come? It’s going to be tremendulant. Aah, Stinky was the most brillo head girl ever. Once (LAUGHS) do you remember? (LAUGHS) She imac-ed a squirrel. (LAUGHS) It was the funniest thing. So will you come, you’ll come, you’ll come, (MIRANDA TRIES TO ANSWER) no hush, no hush, no hush, no hush, no hush up. You have to come so I don’t look like the saddo one in front of Stinkles. OK I am now going to power walk back to the orifice.

  She does a bizarre fast walk out.

  Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao. Kapow!

  Goes.

  STEVIE: You’ve got to be more assertive, Miranda. What about the new you?

  MIRANDA: She’ll start on Monday. You always wait till Monday to start a new regime so you can lie about for a few days eating out the fridge convinced on Monday you’ll change forever. It’s a brilliant system. We all do it.

  Starts to go upstairs.

  Don’t judge me with your little eyes, I’ve been very depressed. I’ve been very depressed.

  She drags herself up the stairs.

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  MIRANDA: Oh look at the state of me, watching telly all day with friends made of fruit, you enjoying it Gail? I look like a tramp, got to go to Tilly’s lunch, Gary’s gone. Suppose it couldn’t get worse.

  Penny comes in with cases.

  PENNY: Darling, I’ve left your father and I’m coming to live with you.

  Miranda cries to camera.

  MIRANDA: Oh Mum. Not again?

  PENNY: He’s bound to crawl back tomorrow – it’s nude fondue night.

  Miranda grimaces.

  Don’t worry darling, you won’t even notice I’m here.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Guaranteed I’ll be so irritated I’ll have to leave in under thirty seconds. Set your watches – go…

  PENNY: (FIDDLES WITH MIRANDA’S HAIR) Have you been cutting your own hair?

  MIRANDA: Three seconds, already annoyed…

  PENNY: And look at all this (RE FLAT MESS)… you should have a bath, then get some air, have a lovely, what I call, walk…

  MIRANDA: It is a walk… Mum… Can you…

  PENNY: Sorry, won’t interfere…

  Sits down and watches TV.

  MIRANDA: If she calls the remote controls a silly name…

  Brief pause.

  PENNY: (PICKING UP THREE REMOTES)

  You’ll have to show me how to work these. I mean who needs three doobries?

  MIRANDA: (GETS UP) Right! That’s it! Why’s it so annoying?

  (TO CAMERA) Twenty seconds. Doobries!

  Goes to bedroom.

  INT. SHOP

  Miranda comes downstairs changed now and looking better.

  MIRANDA: So forget Monday, look I’m starting now.

  STEVIE: Right then are you ready and happy to speak to Heather?

  MIRANDA: Please go ahead.

  STEVIE: (SINGS) What have you done today to make you feel proud?

  MIRANDA: Well, Heather, Miss Heather Small, hello to you.

  STEVIE: Hello!

  MIRANDA: Today I have begun the new me.

  Stevie claps.

  I know Mum and Tilly won’t know what’s hit them. I’m going to be the kind of woman… who you know… the kind of woman that just leaps out of bed and just does that (DEMO) and their hair looks perfect. They then grab a homemade muffin out of their Cath Kidston polka dot biscuit tin and head to work, wearing trainers at the bottom of a skirt suit to show off they’ve power-walked in. They have pot plants that don’t die on them. Their fruit bowl isn’t full of three week-old rotting pears because they actually eat the fruit. They have day bags, evening bags and a clutch. In their day bags they have a particular pouch for their mobile so when it rings – bam, they’re there. They know about and have an interest in pelmets. You know, they just grab a wheatgerm smoothie in between work because that’s enough to keep them going, even though at lunch time they jogged – and enjoyed it, because they don’t have flesh that moves independently to their main frame. And finally they have easy access to pens to finish a crossword at a bar where the man they decided to take as a lover the night before says to them ‘Hey, last night was great’. (BEAT) You know I’ll be that kind of woman.

  STEVIE: Yeah, well good luck with that.

  PENNY: Darling, I’m putting on a whites wash, if your pants are dirty, pop them off, I’ll pop them in… (GOES)

  MIRANDA: Right, well, that’s not the best of starts, she’ll have to go. But don’t worry the new me shall still reigneith.

  She starts pacing femininely.

  Yeah, look at her forming before your very eyes.

  She puts on a piece of jewellery.

  Now excuse me, I’m off to have sushi with Tilly and Stinky in my new (POSHLY) trinkety necklace.

  Miranda leaves

  INT. SUSHI BAR

  Miranda, Stinky and Tilly are in a row at the conveyor belt. They are doing a crossword.

  STINKY: Eight down, ‘Remove vehicles, reversing at back of depot’. Oh well… that could be van… lorry…

  MIRANDA: Yep, hang on, I know this… I can so get this… It�
�s umm…

  STINKY: Subtract, of course. Right, let’s eat. It all looks edible von guzzle bucket.

  TILLY: I’m starvington stations.

  MIRANDA: Yup, Hungelos McMungelos.

  Tilly and Stinky start eating. Miranda tries to pick some food up with chopsticks, drops it just before getting it in her mouth. Spits it out.

  TILLY: Stinky do you remember the time that I got locked in the boot… (GETS TEXT) Sorry. Oh, bear with, bear with, bear… Ooh fabulasmic VIP invite to a scoffulate dans le city avec de rien de sleepage.

  During their conversation they continue eating, Miranda struggling with the food.

  STINKY: So Queen Kong, what news with you?

  MIRANDA: Oh well, I’m just focussing on my business at the moment. We do trinkets and nick-nacks now – this is one of ours…

  STINKY: Gorge, and are we lucksville in love?

  Tilly laughs.

  MIRANDA: Actually I did get a postcard from an old beau, Gary, this morning… so yeah (GETS A TEXT) Ooh, ooh. Bear with, bear with, bear with… (SHE RIFLES IN HER BAG TO FIND HER PHONE) (READS IT OUT CONFIDENTLY) Call now for a new tariff breakdown…

  TILLY: (READING THE POSTCARD) Oh dear. Sounds like you might have lost him to his travels…

  MIRANDA: Oh well that’s fine if I have, I’m so over him. I’m a whole new…

  Miranda goes to grab the postcard, Stinky takes it off Tilly. Miranda leans further to get it but in doing so falls on to the conveyor belt. Her necklace gets caught in it and she starts being dragged around by it.

  No I’m stuck. My trinkety necklace.

  TILLY: Undo it at the back.

  MIRANDA: I can’t. I’m going to have to get on. Sorry about this… sorry everyone, so sorry.

  STINKY: Oh Queen Kong you’re such a dweeb.

  She manages to unhook herself.

  MIRANDA: I’ve unhooked. I’ve unhooked. Sorry about this, sorry.

  I’ll just finish the circuit. Saves walking.